I’m one of those people who is not good with change. (If you know me at all in person, even a little, you realize how much of an understatement that is.)
I really, REALLY hate change.
A LOT, a lot.
Which is pretty funny, because the last year and a half has been a big change-fest.
I’ve had to deal with several people close to me dying which has been awful but if anything good has come of it, it’s the fact that my notion of a good day has changed. I’m always ridiculously easy to please (“I got a card today! It’s a good day!” or “My People magazine came! It’s a good day!” or “BOOK MAIL! GOOD DAY!”) but now it’s this: if I go to bed and the number of people I love that are alive at the end of the day is the same as it was at the beginning, it was a good day.
By that standard, I’ve only had a few bad days since last January.
But there are other changes too. I work in TV news, and a bunch of people are leaving on Friday. (Well, three. I didn’t really know one that well, although he was always nice to me when we did interact; one I got along with fairly well and one is an actual friend and coworker in my small department. Which, obviously, is going to make our lives harder as we find a replacement. And I can feel myself focusing on that fact because it’s easier to think, “REALLY, I have to be here one night and back the next morning? REALLY? There’s NO WAY AROUND THAT?!” than it is to think, REALLY think, “Wow, a friend is leaving and I won’t be seeing her again, probably ever, because people say they’ll keep in touch but they never do.” I’m happy for my friend, but I’m very sad for me. And maybe we will keep in touch, at least on Facebook.
That’s the thing with this job—you become close with people (because of course you do, they’re the people you spend nights and weekends and holidays with) and then people get new jobs and go away, typically even out of the city. And you’re happy for them, but you’re sad, too. Because things are different, typically worse, without them. But new people come, and they’re usually nice, too.
But Baltimore is not typically the place you stay. If you stay in TV news, it’s a steppingstone, typically either to New York or LA, or back to the city you came from. If you don’t, you tend to leave and go into PR or a communications spokesperson gig.
Honestly, though, I’m talking about all of this to avoid talking about the rest of it.
I think I’m thinking so much about the coworkers who leave because it’s easier to think about them (because we COULD keep in touch, whether or not we actually do) than it is to think about the people who’ve died.
My vacation was great, but now I’m home and my distractions are all gone. I miss my cousin and I miss Kathy, and I know that won’t change. I still miss my dad and my grandmother and I feel like sometimes all I do is miss people.
So basically, people I love, please stop dying.