Three weeks ago today, I woke up and learned that my cousin Rodger had died.
I talked about it a lot that first week and I’ve tried to not talk about it that much since because he would not appreciate me becoming a griefball. And because there’s really not that much to say about it besides, “This really fucking sucks.” Which is true, incidentally. Really. Fucking. Sucks.
And the family has all scattered back to their respective corners—Monica and Marley back in California, my aunt and uncle back in Florida, me in Baltimore and my mom in Salisbury. It was good to be together but it’s good to be back to our routines, too.
Except that I’m really not back in my routine. Generally, as you know, I am a hardcore reader and I haven’t been reading anywhere near as much lately (the final tally for January was 15 books, I think, which is about 50% below what my total would normally be). And it’s weird because usually when things are hard, I escape into books like nobody’s business. Nothing to see here, move along, I’m just gonna enjoy the new Gayle Forman over here. (Which incidentally I still have not read and won’t get to for ages because it is going to be all review books all the time until I make a better dent in this pile.)
You know that X Files episode (I think it was the third, maybe fourth, of the first season) that’s basically a take off of The Thing? The Arctic researchers who have that weird alien parasite that takes them over and they say “We’re not who we are”?
I’m not who I am.
And so I did what I always do when I feel like everything’s falling apart all around me. I called my best friend Jen. And while I don’t know when I will be me again or how to get back there or even how to fake it consistently (although I have to say, I think I’m mostly doing an excellent job; ask me about my Oscar predictions!), it’s just wonderful to talk to someone who will remember who I am and who will keep reminding me until I can figure out how to get and stay there.
And I keep focusing on this (no reading, random inability to spell or think) so I don’t have to think about the reason everything’s so different. Because it’s awful when I think about that.
So anyway. Three weeks down. An entire life to go.
I know it’s hard for you right now, and that you’re a little overwhelmed. Know that it is normal, and that it is temporary. You will most definitely get your swing back, Kel.
Thanks, Tom. :)
Oh Kelly! Still hurting and grieving with you. So glad you are being real about all this. Much love to you and your family!
Sent from my iPad
Thanks, Steph. :)
Kelly…. I didn’t know. I guess you talked about Roger’s death when I was taking my fb hiatus? Oh girl, I really understand. I wish I could make the pain go away for you. I’ve got to say though that you had me completely fooled and I thought you WERE your normal self! I don’t know if you remember but I’ve had TOO much experience with grief and death. What I can tell you is that YOU NEED TO GIVE YOURSELF a break and take the time that you need. Stop expecting yourself to be normal when life as you know it will never be the same. This is just a new phase of your life. This is going to form and shape the Kelly that you are now and will be in the future. YES it fucking sucks!!!! It’s gutt wrenching and it’s something that probably doesn’t even seem too real for you yet. BE angry, if you want to be angry. BE sad when you want to be sad. Let those tears flow because if you don’t, TRUST ME when I tell you that grief will eat you up like a cancer from the inside out.
Much love and prayer for you, my friend. AND thank you for sharing such a real and intimate part of your life. (((HUGS)))
Thanks. Some days I am me and some days it’s more like an imitation. And some days the imitation is not very good. :)
It’s funny because this is the first time it’s been like this. With all the other deaths (grandparents, dad), it was pretty expected but this was sudden. That’s probably why.
And the anniversary of Dad’s death is next month and I tend to spiral a bit around now, so that isn’t helping.
The sudden deaths are the most tragic and the hardest to wrap your mind around. I’m still not the person I was before 1985! I think a tragic death can change us forever but good can come out of it too. Like you’re going to be able to relate and feel for people going through similar situations (small comfort, I know).
I know what you mean about spiraling this time of year though. Your dad is already a trigger and now this. How did Roger die?
Heart attack. He was 37.
How does that happen at 37???? Crap… life is WAY too short and this is scary.
Agreed.
♥♥♥(((hugs)))♥♥♥
Shellakers has given you good advice. Very similar to what I was going to give you. Grief, let it run it’s course. It takes time, it just does. Just know that you are okay. You will continue to be okay and on those occasions when you aren’t okay, just know that you will be okay again soon.
♥♥♥(((hugs)))♥♥♥