So as you know, my cousin died on Thursday night/Friday morning (depending on your time zone and I’ve been saying both, I think, depending on who I’m talking to). And I thought maybe I should write this post as both an explanation and apology to those who know me.
First, I am really, really not good at talking about people once they’re gone. I tend to cry and there are few things I hate more than the thought of crying in front of people (except for actually crying in front of people). I know that my friends wouldn’t judge or think less of me, obviously. It’s just a thing I have.
Second, asking me how I am is sort of like playing Russian roulette, as Lindsey found out over the weekend. Nine times out of ten, you will get, “I’m doing about as well as can be expected. Thank you.” And oh, that tenth time. I tend to get weird and inappropriate. (Lindsey, for example, learned my fear that, when I get up to speak at the funeral, I will just say “This fucking sucks,” and go sit back down again. To be fair, Rodger would think it was very funny. But the rest of the family would not.) So if you get me on the tenth time, too, I’m sorry.
Third, I’m not really sleeping or eating. But while I’m insanely tired during the day (especially during my work shifts), it’s like the second I get into bed, my brain turns all the way on. And the food thing is very weird because I tend to eat my feelings. (I told Lindsey that, too. Sorry, L.) So I think my filter is starting to erode more and more.
Fourth, please, please talk to me about other things. Good topics include books and the Oscars. A former coworker Tweeted me on Saturday to ask about book recommendations and I gave her a bunch and then she saw on Facebook about Rodger and felt horrible. But honestly, it was good. I like when people ask me about books and I especially like not being the grieving girl. (Especially when I am. So getting me out of my head is actually a mitzvah.) So by all means, ask me what books you should read (Gone Girl) and who should win Best Picture (Amour, but it will be Lincoln).
Fifth, I have gone stupid. SERIOUSLY. While I’m sure you’ve heard of pregnancy brain, I have grief brain. On Saturday, I forgot how to spell “meteorologist.” So don’t expect much from me now.
Sixth and finally, you know that song “Fix You” by Coldplay? You may or may not know this, but it was written for Gwyneth Paltrow after her dad died. There is a line in the chorus that goes, “Lights will guide you home…” which I think is beautiful. And thank you for being the light that’s guiding me home. This is a dark time, but you guys are the light. And I appreciate that so much.